Learning to Be

I notice a budding gentleness 

When all the shouting stops.

When all of the voices in my head

Realize that they are free to rest.

I notice how much I’ve tried not

To notice through the noisiness 

Of grief, and shame, and disregard.

And suddenly, everything is there.

Everything is there, but not

The way I’d thought it’d be.

Where I feared my sloppiness

I found a subtle softness, 

Available and generous. 

Where I feared my insanity

I found pools of sensation,

Some of them sensational. 

Where I feared my disorder

I found a keen attunement, 

If only I could listen. 

Where I feared my righteousness

I found the right to see

Myself as beautiful.

Where I feared my destruction

I found a joyful discipline, 

To honor all around me. 

Where I feared my separation

I found a grounded honesty,

That binds us through our tears. 

The hardest thing today is

Patience. 

Wondering if the pain I helped

Create through fear will wait

Long enough to see that

Underneath the tools I dawned -

The ones that looked like fire -

I held a quiet innocence 

That hadn’t learned 

To speak.